Fall Days

The day keep getting cooler and before I know it winter will be here... I love the fall weather and the days I spend with my daughter Julie and the wonderful weekends I spend with my amazing boyfriend..

These days I'm working in being a more responsible person and a better mother. I am also working on being a good girlfriend and a good best friend, I need to be able to blend all these jobs together instead of it being a juggling act and stressing myself out. A lot of the time I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job at it and I'm neglecting some of what I need to be doing with either not working hard enough to be a good mom or feeling like I could be a better girlfriend and maybe make for effort towards everything.. With my best friend I feel like I am not talking to him enough and that I could lose him if I don't pay attention to what is happening around me..

But these are just fears I have and I cant let them ruin the happiness I do have and I should try to forget my worries about all these things and live my life because everyday I am told I'm a great person and I do a great job at everything I do. So all I can do now is keep going and just let the stress fall away..

New Beginings

I never believed that people could start over and be accepted even though they have a shady, unforgettable past. The fact is most people in this world will judge you for the wrong choices you have made and a few good ones wont. The good ones know that because of all of it you wouldn't be the person you are today..... And I was wrong I now know that with in almost two month time I have been given a new chance at being happy and being looked at like I was a beautiful person again. I have met one of the good ones who has changed my life for the better.

I still don't trust many people or even like them but so far I love everything that has happened, I am also coming to terms with the things that has happened to me and all the choices I've made, the fact is everything really does happen for a reason.

Now that all the bad has happened and left the good can come though...

I have also changed my mind about a lot of things now in hope that someday all the decisions I make now will change my life and make my daughter's life better in the future. Everything is only going to get better as I slowly get put back together from the shattered girl I used to be, to be a strong young woman and great mother..

A Better Life

Somehow my life has gotten better in a weeks time and I seem to be happier, still depressed but happy never the less. I am enjoying what has been happening and it might not kill me to be nicer to everyone now. This means that because life is somehow getting better for me then maybe it will get better for my friends and family too, I sit here thinking how quickly everything can change for just one person in the simplest way.

I look at my life and realize that not everything is just crap anymore and I'm not just doomed to fail at life like I have thought for the past few years. My life isn't just one big epic failure after another, there is hope still that I can get my life together.

I could be once again the girl with the smile on her face and happiness in her life. Or it could just all go horribly wrong but I try to be optimistic about it.

3 Years Later

It has now been 3 years since my daughter was born and I am so happy that she is in my life. So many things have changed in the 3 years, like where I live now and how I am with my family. I have moved 4 times since she was born and so far Ohio isn't half bad because I have met people that I can actually stand and enjoy talking to and being around. :)

I'm kinda picky when it comes to people and wanting to be friends with them. Also I am a lot nicer being here, I'm enjoying the person that I am becoming. The person the I was when I was younger back when I was nice and sweet to people instead of just wanting to hurt them as much as they hurt me. I used to be so manipulative and conniving, I still am that person sometimes even though now I am working really hard not to be.

With my family now I seem to act nicer even though I need to work on it still. I have a hard time dealing with them and they have the worst time dealing and living with me. I know that I can be a pain in the ass, still sometimes its just the mood I am and they have now learned not to take it personally.

This has been an interesting 3 years and I hope that it just gets better because I have hit my all time low, my rock bottom so I must be able to just go up from that..

Cheats and Lairs

In this world there are some many cheats and liars that get away with so much... I am so tired of people hurting one another to get what they need, what happened to people being honest and kind?!?!

Life had seem to make a turn around for my family but nooo a thief had to steal what was rightly my mom's and it would have made our lives easier. I have always seen my family struggle financially and it hasn't been fun to watch between all the fighting and anger..

I just don't understand why people need to steal from others and why someone can follow someones last wishes when they die, it is so wrong and heartless to do something like that. But anyways there isn't anything I can do myself but hope that someday karma will hit them in the face for all the bad they have done in this world.

SOOOOO PISSED AT THE HUMAN RACE!!!!!

Cazy Life

No matter what I seem to do my life seems to be crazy. Its either the people in it that make it crazy or the things that just seem to happen with me.

My life just changes everyday even if it is just is small ways, I am not the person I was 5 years ago or even a year ago when I look back on it. But it is the crazy people that have helped mold me into the person I am today...
Not all these people are in my life anymore but not because they have died or anything but because they chose not to be. I have done many things in my life that I am not proud of and I use to be a very evil person..

For the most part I am a good person who just wants a life someday of normalcy not that I want it anytime soon but someday it would be nice to have a home and be able to cook, clean and be a great mom and I know that takes time and I am going to wait as long as I have to till I have it. Just someday I would like that life and I would love to truly love someone and have them love me in return...

Hmmm

I Spend much of my time thinking about everything, like life and my family. I think of my family as my brothers, mom and Julie and one of my really good friends.

I love these people most of the time and they love me in return. Its the best feeling to be loved by someone who isn't actually family like my good friends.

Lately I haven't felt so loved, I have felt pretty rejected and unwanted by most. I seem to extremely stressed and high anxiety about new things that happen in my life and the stress of trying to be a good mom and a good friend. I know can never be the daughter my mother always hoped for.

Great freinds and New crushes

Well hmmm let me think. I think I like this guy and he is kinda interesting to talk to and we just talk about random things that come to mind and I think that is awesome because most of the time I can be a pretty random person.

So I think I might have a new crush which is kinda good because for a long time I only liked one of my really good friends but I have no chance with him and I probably wont have a chance with this guy either but I'll have to see where this ends....

Summertime is great but I have yet to go camping so hopefully before the summer is over I will get to go with some great friend of mine and it will be totally epic ahahahaha

Life without pain

I try to live without pain now because there has been so much in the past. Now I live a life where in numb and I don't really love anyone but a select few....

It just seems easier not to care and expect things from people, if you don't expect anything you cant be disappointed. Only one person so far has been able to make me feel something again. I'm somewhat happy about that but that one person could crush me in a moment if they wanted to.

So still a life where your numb still seems the best way to go. Only love who really matters and stop being nice to the ones who don't

No Life

I have friends who I barely see anymore and I just feel like I have no life and nothing to do all the time. Its lame but I guess it just cant be helped but UGH

I'm just bored and tired and spent some of my day in the yard but that was very dull. I like to adventure but that's kinda hard to do when you don't have a car so I just need a buddy to take a long drive to a place neither of us has been before and just get lost. Then again maybe we should bring a GPS I don't have much for a since of direction lol and we might ever make it back home which would suck.

But that enough for today. I don't feel like writing much.

Silly Fish

Today I went out to eat with my family and when we were done with our meal we got our fortune cookies.

My fortune said "Its a silly fish that is caught twice with the same bait." I am that silly fish and have been for a few years now hahaha I have been caught a few times with the same bait by the same guy and that needs to stop, and will stop.

I no longer want to be a silly fish or a silly girl.
I am going to make the right choices when it comes to men now and never relive what has happened in the past.

My past has made me stronger and smarter.

Think about for a minute for yourself is there anyone that you keeping taking the bait from?

Pets

I have been thinking a lot about getting a cat, I love animals. When I really think about it I have the worst luck with pets.
My first cat died because the mean girl next door me when I was little squeezed it to hard. The cat after that died because it got sick and had to be put down and the last cat I had decided it didnt like me and ran away.... Maybe its best I dont get another cat but I really do want one.


That was all the problems with the cats I've had, I've also had 3 bunnies and that ended badly and gerbils, and hamsters..

Also I cant even keep a fish alive SOOOO I even wonder how my daughter is still alive when I cant even keep a fish alive.

Maybe I should rethink getting a pet or I should just say it is Julie's and it might not die to fast or have any other issues. I just have bad luck as it seems.

Dinner Time

So as I sit with my family at the table for dinner I realize I have nothing to talk about with them anymore. With the 19 years that have passed in my life my family and I have nothing in common anymore we are in two different worlds now and and its sad to see.

I love them but I only love them sometimes. I am still at the table writing this while they eat and no one talks to me, even when I wasn't typing this out they didn't say a word to me I guess I am just kinda invisible now.

I just don't understand how I can be so disconnected for them ones I should have the biggest bonds with. All I can think is this suck ass, yo.

So I tell my mother what I am doing on my computer and she just says to me "we just ignore your bad behavior" then she points at my computer and my cell phone and goes back to clearing the table.

Well I do try I guess hahaa maybe another time I can try and bond with them again.

Outside

Wow I had the weirdest morning, I was all like WTF when I heard a loud noise and realized t was a tree my parents had cut down. Seriously its Sunday no one wants to be woken up at 10am or so on a Sunday or be woken up with a loud noise and a mini heart attack ahahaha

So far my day will consist of writing in my blog that no one reads and helping out outside which kinda sucks because I have no upper body strength to help move large pieces of tree
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Instead maybe I'll pretend to be a super hero with my daughter and go WOOOOSH with a cape lmao

Well Im off for now

Awesome

So my last post sucked and wasnt happy what-so-ever. The real me thinks about cake a lot and video games. Also I think about where my life has headed.

But for the most part I seem to like this one guy a good amount but we seem to just go around in circles about dating, seriously I havent given up yet on him like most people SO I guess he is important. I just need to wait and see what happens, I much rather have him in my life as a friend than nothing at all.

Back to the cake though, I really wish someone would make me one hahaha I really really love cake and cupcakes. The way to my heart is if you can make me a cake ^.^

Green is also my favorite color.. Im not the best at writing but I try my best...

Life sucks...yep

Life is so hard and sometimes we just say "screw this" but we have to preserver and do the best with what we’re given. I love my life most of the time but then again it sucks. I have a wonderful daughter named Julie and a family that loves me most of the time. It has taken a long time to get to where I’m at now.

My life is one big EPIC FAIL as I see it, I would have been graduating this month T_T SOO I guess this month is just going to be harder then the rest and I wish I woudnt have failed like I always do but its whatever I guess

Well Im depressed now just thinking about this so Im just going to figure out my next step...Blahh


Think what you want about me. Love me or hate, judge me I dont really care much..